Its cold. Its Dark and it’s the middle of the night. The last thing you want to do is get up. You’re starting to regret that curry you ate for dinner last night as you clench. Your arse cheeks are so tightly pulled together that you could snap a pencil in two. You have no choice. Your bodily functions have taken over and they couldn’t care less where you are, what time it is or how bloody freezing cold you are. You are going to have to get up and take a dump.

There are a few different toileting options available for those inevitable moments your body decides its time to excrete the mass of liquid and solid matter you have been storing inside you. For every option there is one golden rule to ensure a smooth and trauma free deposit…. The toilet roll must always be within reach.

Dig a Hole

Possibly a more pleasurable experience than one would expect. Once it’s don’t, its done. Out of the van and not in any danger of offending your nasal passage for any longer than is necessary, nor will you need to become reacquainted with your deposit and all for the small price of £4.99 for a trowel.

Simply pick your spot (well hidden), dig your hole around 6 inches deep, do your business and bury. Be sure to take toilet roll with you. This can either be buried or burnt. If choosing to burn, keep in mind your location and time of year. I’m sure you wouldn’t want to start a forest fire because of your arse.

The ‘Dig a hole’ option has many pros but in winter its not much fun trying to dig below the water table and getting frostbite on your backside as you ‘plop’.

The Bucket

Not a bad option if you travel alone and don’t mind the smell and sight of your own excretions. You can enjoy the privacy of your van thus eliminating the possibility of a loose dog coming to sniff your butt (unless of course you have a loose dog). To squat over a bucket is a workout. Its noisy and inevitably you will have to look at your creation. Some people put wood shavings on top to cover the sight and mask the small a little, but this is no compost toilet and will never be the throne we all desire to have.

Top tip for the bucket: For number 2’s only. Use a puppy training pad placed in your bucket. Wrap up, bag it and bin it.

The Porta Potti

More expensive than the bucket but well worth the money. Available in different sizes the porta Potti consists of a cassette for the waist, a toilet seat and a tank for the flush water. Chemicals can be added allowing the deposits to be hidden safely away for days at a time. The potti can be built into a space to a height that allows a comfortable sitting position for those who do not with to partake in the morning squat routine. Its not all roses and sunshine though. That shit that’s accumulating needs to be emptied at some point. No It wont just disappear no matter how hard you try pretend it doesn’t exist. Its sat there in its plastic box and if you don’t do it soon you’ll find yourself dancing your way to the nearest emptying point only to start the cycle again immediately after disposing of the last lot.

The wild wee

Men: Find a hidden spot. You know what to do.

Ladies: The wild wee takes a little time to master but before long you will be a pro. You will spot secluded squatting areas before you even knew you needed to pee. You’ll find yourself scanning for stinging nettles and such like without even thinking about it and before you know it you will be springing back out of the undergrowth like a gazelle. Its best to practice the wild wee in the summer months. Trying to learn this skill during winter will only set you up for prolonged exposure to freezing cold drafts and a broken ankle from stepping back into a rabbit hole that you didn’t see because its 4pm and already pitch-black dark. Beware of splash back. No one needs that.

The Toilet

An actual toilet. They do exist and you should always take advantage of. A trip to the supermarket -use the loo. Stopping off for fuel- use the toilet. Service stations, cafes, friends and family, the gym, leisure centres, shopping malls, basically any place that has food and drink will have a toilet. Use it. Even if you don’t think you need to go try any way.

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